I want to be a good friend. I want to ask if you’re okay even though I know you’re not. I want to let you know that if you ever need to talk to someone, I’m all eyes and ears. I want to lighten up your mood with silly talk or something completely stupid that will let your mind stray for a bit from the obvious problem in front of you. I want to do so many things for you but I can’t bring myself to do any of it. I don’t know how to say or do anything without it seeming nosy, out of place, cliche, or unnecessary. Worst of all, I don’t know how to say anything that hasn’t been said before. I don’t know how to let you know that despite the same words and phrases that are said to anybody with problems, I mean everything 100% and fullheartedly.
I want to be there for you, but I don’t know how.
Why do I feel as if when I come forward, you take several steps back? I don’t understand all of this chasing… All of this constant progression and regression. It strikes me as a war that we shouldn’t even be fighting, a futile battle that can never be won. So why do we do this? Like masochists of some sort, we purposely inflict upon ourselves the inevitable repercussions of our actions.
| — | (via mols) |
| — | Henry, Crash Test Love by Ted Michael |
I wish I existed outside of the realms of time and space. I wish the constraints of time didn’t hold me back. I wish I weren’t confined to the basic laws of physics. I wish that I could do whatever I wanted and that there would be no repercussions, no consequences. I wish that I were omniscient. I wish that I could fast forward to the future, to when my life would already be set in action and complete and all I would have to do is live it. I also wish I didn’t feel that way because I realize now that that’s the thing about life: you’re not supposed to know.
You’re not supposed to already know everything that’s going to happen. You’re supposed to take it as it is and you’re supposed to journey through life expecting the unexpected. But that’s the thing, I think… It’s hard accepting the future and letting yourself free fall into the unknown. It’s complicated, even more so than we calculate. Even more so than I myself calculated.
And I’m scared because I don’t think I’m ready. I’m afraid that I’ll do something wrong… Make a wrong move, make a wrong decision… and I’ll screw up my future. I don’t think I’m ready yet to accept the responsibility and take my life into my own hands. I can’t bear being the one solely to blame if I mess up my life. It’s always easier to push the blame onto others, but if I do something wrong, I’ll have nobody to blame but myself.
That’s why I’m afraid of growing up.
