"Sometimes I’m so overwhelmed by the impact of my choices that I can’t choose anything at all because I’m afraid today will be the day that I make the choice that changes everything."
My heart, it belongs to you.
I’m completely head over heels and
the blood is rushing to my cheeks.
My veins overflow with thoughts of you
and I cannot get oxygen into my lungs
without inhaling you, too.
it takes me a while to tear my gaze away
because i’m just so incredibly awestruck
by you in your entirety—enamored of you,
frozen in disbelief that you’re in my life.
Some things are too strange and strong to be coincidences."
There was a pause. I was still scared by every gap in our conversation, fearing that this was it, the point where we had nothing left to say.
—The Lover’s Dictionary by David Levithan
I was worried about this before we spent that first day together. We were finally going to spend time together, no longer in a group-setting. I was wracked by nerves, afraid that our lengthy conversations via text would not be translated as well in person. I was anxious to spend time with you one-on-one, yet I feared potentially awkward silences and uncomfortable gaps. I was afraid that I would have to admit that perhaps we just didn’t get along so well after all, that maybe I romanticized the idea of you through our enthusiastic exchanges of messages and that it was easier to communicate when we weren’t face to face.
I wanted so badly for that day to come so that I could confirm my suspicions or be happily proved wrong. The latter was simply the optimist in me trying to hope that I was not simply being presumptuous, while the former was a feeble attempt at trying to prepare myself for disappointment. I was eager to formulate a conclusion, yet so afraid because I didn’t want to be forced to acknowledge that maybe our connection was imagined, perhaps it would never surpass a merely superficial relationship and purely platonic friendship.
But once the day came, it never crossed my mind at all. I was so preoccupied—by all of the right things. No obsessing and analyzing little bits of conversation, or overthinking the myriad of things I always manage to find worry in. The moments we shared, they were completely ours. I didn’t think anything beyond the fact that I was incredibly euphoric and having an amazing time with an extraordinary person.
Now, it’s all a bit ridiculous when I think about it. My worries were definitely premature, as we ended up talking for hours and hours. I can’t even remember if there were silences, and I can’t recall what we talked about—only that the subjects were like skipping stones deftly flying over the water’s smooth surface and that we moved seamlessly from one to the next.
i see visions of us dancing
like silhouettes doing pirouettes
on walls like blank canvases
ready to be painted with
the story of our lives
The sky is cloudy,
the wind is blowing,
leaves are falling all around me,
and the universe and I are friends—
even if only for this beautiful moment.
The words tumbled out from between the confines of my lips.
I didn’t mean for them to come out at that exact moment,
though once they did, I realized that I completely meant it.
There was a brief pause—one mississippi, maybe two mississippi—
before you surprised me by saying it back, too.
Oh, how I do. I do, I do.
Thank you. For letting me sleep on you, even though I got makeup on your dress shirt. For comforting me each time I looked at you with defeated eyes. For letting me cry on and off for nearly an hour. For wiping my eyes and holding me until I was all out of tears. For letting me burrow my face into your chest while you stroked my head. For trying to understand my barely comprehensible mumbling. For rebutting every single one of my apologies while telling me why I didn’t need to say sorry. For keeping me in your arms until I calmed down. For being so understanding and letting me be myself in my entirety. For making me feel safe with only your presence. For being so willing to ease some of the weight off my shoulders. For just being here. For just being yourself.